What do you think of my novel?
Wednesday, June 16th, 2010 at
10:52 am
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Filed under: Air Bed Pump
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It’s good for a first draft, but way overwritten. By that I mean you have used too many adjectives to describe things in an effort to build the drama and suspense. It doesn’t work that way. ‘Show don’t Tell’ is important and something you need to keep in mind. Don’t tell us the wind from the air conditioner is blowing on her, talk of her shivering. That shows us she’s cold without telling us. Also don’t begin the story with an information dump; start with something exciting or entertaining that will grab a reader’s interest and keep it. I suggest that you should begin your story with the girl waking up in the hospital.
I’m not sure I understand the purpose behind the ‘nurses ambush’. Why would they jump on this girl and drug her? If she needs treatment, I doubt they would do it that way. And why would the parents say ‘how dare you ask that?’ to a girl that just woke up from being sedated. And why would there be blood on the sheets? Those would have been changed immediately.
Keep writing, you are doing fine. You just need practice.
well if english isn’t your first language the that was amazing- really
no it was good, i could see that as being a nightmare easily- you had the right balance between speech and description (something i’m really picky on)
seriously its really good – keep it up
Well, the idea seems good, and some of the imagery you work in is downright creepy. Wouldn’t have known this was about a girl getting chemo if you hadn’t mentioned it. It’s pretty good.
Your grammar is good. You didn’t make any mistakes, that I noticed. If English is your second language, you learned it well.
The problem is your syntax, and your vocabulary. Your syntax is too baroque. It’s overly complicated, and hard to read. Your vocabulary is too esoteric. A lot of these polysyllabic adjectives and verbs you throw in aren’t really appropriate to describe what you’re trying to describe. Even when they do, using them does more to show off your ownership of a thesaurus than it does to convey information to the reader effectively. The overall effect is what we call Purple Prose. Google it.
I’d go into further detail, tell you how I’d rephrase a few of the lines, and recommend some synonyms for some of the more archaic words you use, but yahoo.answers isn’t really the forum in-depth criticism.
Not going to lie, that was really good(:
It was descripitivebut not too much, and the story line sounds really good. Keep writing(: haha.